Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Wouldn't Change a Thing

Have you ever thought you knew more than God? Have you ever thought, "surely you're mistaken God?"

Well, this happened to me about a year ago. This time last year Alex and I found out that we were pregnant with Hudson. Last May, I clearly felt the Lord pressing upon my heart that it was time to grow our family, Alex felt the exact same way. I kept saying, "Sure, I want another baby. It would be fun to have another girl!" In my head, I'd already worked out all of the details and one of those details was that if we were to get pregnant we'd be having another girl, mainly because I'd never pictured myself with a boy, but also because I had some fears about having a little boy. Nonetheless, we were obedient and the following month we were pregnant. Finding out we were pregnant this time was much different than when we found out we were pregnant the first time.

When we found out we were pregnant with Madison, it was an answer to a childhood prayer of being a mom someday, but this time when we found out we were pregnant, it was an answer to prayer for an obedient heart. We were content (or so we thought) with our little family of three. So, this time, when I found out I was pregnant, I was filled with doubts and fears. I wasn't sure I could do it again. I wasn't sure I was ready for this, but then I would be filled with peace that could only come from God.

The tricky thing about how God works sometimes is that even though we can be obedient, it doesn't mean that everything is going to turn out or feel exactly like we think it should, but when we're walking along side Him and following Him daily He gives us a peace that surpasses all understanding. This peace is what sustained me!

When we found out we were having a boy, it was no secret, that I was devastated. Now, having a chance to look back on it though, it wasn't so much a devastation as a pure and utter fear of what to do with a little boy and all that having a little boy entails. I'm a girl, most of my friends are girls, I babysat mostly girls. Naturally, I was a little apprehensive.

Here is a little side note that is necessary for the story:
For the last year to year and a half, I have desperately been praying for God to soften my heart, to give me more compassion, to give me more grace, to have more self control, and to give me a more quiet gentle spirit. I have been praying for this daily and seeking Him more than ever because I desire to posses these qualities and fruits of the spirit.

Back to the story:
Fast forward to the night before having Hudson. I was still nervous (mostly about the upcoming surgery, but also knowing I was going to be a mother to two children), but once again, the Lord covered me with a peace that only He can provide. Alex was awesome, he prayed with me before I went in to be prepped for the surgery and then within a few minutes of Alex joining me in the OR, Hudson was out and I was staring into his beautiful blue eyes!

God completely and utterly blessed me beyond my wildest dreams. I had no idea how much I was going to be in love with Hudson from the second I heard his little cry and saw his sweet little face. Everyone always says your heart just keeps growing as you add children, but I couldn't imagine loving another child as much as I love Madison. Wow, can I just say God is awesome!

Now, the reason for the side note: everything I've been praying for, for me, is embodied in this sweet little boy of mine. It's amazing. I am learning how to posses these qualities through watching Hudson. He is simply the sweetest little boy. He has the most wonderful personality and I learn new things from him each and every day.

Hudson touches my heart on a level I never knew existed and I believe it's because he was born out of faith and obedience. God knew that I needed him in my life when I didn't. God knew what was best and through this journey has once again grown my faith and trust in Him. Hudson is the blessing I never knew I wanted and I wouldn't change a thing.

Watching Madison and Hudson interact touches my soul and makes my heart smile. I am in awe when I see just how meant for each other they were and clearly God knew that as well. I know they are siblings and they will have their moments, but I can just tell they are going to have a very special relationship with each other.

It's fun to know that our story as a family of four is only in the beginning stages and that we have so many adventures ahead.

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