I Refuse to Go to Bed Feeling Defeated

Day 35.

Today started out wonderfully....

The kids and I walked to school and it was nice and overcast so it made it comfortable and we weren't all sweaty by the time we arrived at school. Then, as I was getting ready to leave, the sky decided to start dumping water and thankfully my friend Amy, saw me and asked if I wanted a ride home, which I gladly took her up on.

Then, I headed out to sign Hudson up for Golf. He's so excited about this. I'm still working on him for a few other sports (ones he loves, but for some reason is apprehensive to actually join a team for). Then, I headed to the Post Office to mail another welcome package to a friend. Afterwards, I popped over to the gym behind the Post Office to get their 7 day free trial, to test it out. I enjoyed the gym and it was so nice to get a consistent run in and to be able to adjust my speed so that I could really push myself. I did just over 3 miles today. My goal for this week is 25 miles...I won't be able to run on Saturdays or Sundays because this gym doesn't have childcare, but I will try to do something else those days.

I was able to briefly talk to Alex after a long day at work for him. He's going to be out of reach for a few days, so it was nice to see his face and hear his voice even if just briefly.

I chose to walk today to pick up the kids, but man alive it was hot. I didn't realize how hot and sticky it was until I was part way through my walk to school and by then it was too late to turn around and drive to get the kids.

We came home, worked on homework, ate dinner and then headed to gymnastics. Hudson and I dropped Madison off at the gym and then headed on to Trader Joe's to grab a few things. On the way to Trader Joe's I had to make a few phone calls because the dental office that Alex used out here for an emergency visit prior to his deployment is struggling to code their bill to our insurance correctly and I thought it had all been taken care of back in the middle of August, but today, guess what showed up in the mail?!? Another lovely bill saying that the we are responsible for this visit. I know we're not. TriCare has confirmed this, but there continues to be a miscommunication between the dental office and the insurance office. Then, today, apparently TriCare didn't have my Power of Attorney on file, so I had to resend them that so that they can talk to me in more depth about this situation later on in the week, once they make a notation that they've receive the POA. Oh the joys! And then, on top of all of that, I saw I had an envelope from the DMV in the mail. I thought I knew was it was, so I didn't open it until we'd gotten back home. I thought it was going to be my new registration tags because my registration is up this month and I mailed it back the beginning of August. I was getting concerned that I hadn't received them. Well, this was not my registration tags. This was a notice saying that since our address has changed we now still not only owe $1.00.....I have to write a check for $1...craziness, but I also have to get our 2011 Pilot smog checked! What!?!? I don't understand why it needs to get smog checked, but I need to get this done ASAP because come October 1st I won't be able to legally drive this car if I don't get the smog check and send back the $1 check in time for them to turn around and mail me my tags. Yuck! Sorry, end rant!

Okay, it's about to get real.

Then, on top of all of that great news, I was a tad exhausted...not physically, but maybe emotionally? I was finding myself getting so easily frustrated with Hudson, everything I was asking him to do or not do, went in one ear and out the other. I know this sweet boy has the most kind spirit and loving heart and he just LOVES people, but some days are just a struggle. Today was one of those days. I know it was probably more me than him because I was allowing myself to get frustrated and I kept trying to remind myself of Ann Voscamp's wisdom, but some days are just harder than others and I found myself struggling between giving my sweet boy grace, disciplining him, wanting to scream and just wanting to hold him close. Anyone else ever have a day like that? No? just me? Okay, excuse me while I go crawl under my covers and pray for God's wisdom when it comes to parenting my extremely social, extroverted little boy, that I adore, but at the same time exhausts me some days. I know that tomorrow will be a new day, but I just wanted to be real and ask if you could join me in praying for God to guide me when it comes to parenting.

This parenting job is no joke and some days I feel like I nail it and other days I feel like I need a do over and that I'm constantly apologizing for losing my cool. Parenting keeps me humble and on my knees, that's for sure. I'm so thankful that God chose me to be the mom my sweet Madison and Hudson, but some days I don't feel equipped for the task at hand.

Okay, thank you for letting me share with you. It's hard when you have all of these thoughts running through your head and nobody to talk to but you need to sort them so that you can even know where to begin to pray. Journaling has always been my outlet, but today I wanted to take the time to share the tough part of the journey too. Some days are wonderfully fantastic. Some days are average. And then, some days are just tough and not even all of the day has to be tough, but when the evening ends on a tough note, I'm left alone to my thoughts and missing my other half even more because his hugs always make things better.

I won't go to bed feeling defeated, but I will cry out to God asking for guidance in parenting, forgiveness when I lose my patience, and hope that tomorrow will be better. I pray that I will see the flowers among the weeds, because there will always be weeds, but I want to always choose JOY. I ask that God would make me the mom that my children need me to be, especially Hudson as we work through this season.